Steam

This is much more solid and I think you did a good job! I do have a few more suggestions and since I know you can take a hit like a professional writer I wont hold back as much.

As I do think this alone is good I think it can be sharpened and formed into something greater. My first thing I am gonna do is make a list in chronological order of words that should be considered to be removed. This is mainly to clairify and strengthen your poem by removing unnecesary words and clutter. Wordiness is my worst enemy in my writing so dont worry if it seems like a lot.

Here is the list:
positively - it is taking up space and does not state anything we dont know aka - clutter
to and fro - cliche and clutter
a - this with keep a flow to the poem and bring more impact to the word breath.
irresistibly- it is clutter but the assonance is nice, so its debatable.
any- might change it to 'the' or pluralize surface
at all - found it irrelevant and redundant but I could see it having impact.
and (before taking) - removing that will add impact to taking, therefore the line.

Another thing I might suggest, that I often dont do, is keeping lines at similar lengths. This is help the reader read it along with slow down the pacing but its all on what you want to do.

Third suggestion is maybe changing the struture of the poem, i.e. line breaks, indentation, midline breaks, etc.

And finally, I might take each one word lines you have liek curled, elusive, shapeless, etc. and make them into similes or a metaphor. For example, "Shapeless women" "curled spyres" "elusive will-o-wisps" and yada yada yada.

Well I think you made much improvement and do let me know if you edit it again. I hope I am not annoying you or any of your fans.

Best of Luck,
An Unofficial DA Critic